This little piggy never made it to the market.

Greetings.

 Biology. We have that class in Australia yes, we’re fairly civilised. But I have never heard of any Biology class in Oz doing what I had to do in my Biology class. I can still taste the formaldehyde...

BEHOLD FRIENDS...

...a fetal pig

Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeessssssss. After I had a little cry (not because I was sad, my eyes were burning from the piggy stench) my lab partner Evan and I got down to business! The number 1 rule our teacher had was NO MUTILATION OF ANY KIND. He told us this everyday because everyday we got a score out of 100 on how well we did and that score goes towards our final grade which was important at this point because school was almost out. Pretty easy to get a 100. All you have to do is listen and try. Simple. 

First we drained the juices from our piglet 

Then we had to pull up on it’s eyelid with tweezers and give it a little snippity snip to expose the eye ball

Then we had to cut up it’s little piggy mouth for some reason. If you hear a crunchy crunchy, you’re doing it right.

So everyday we’d do a little more cutting and peeling and then Friday was what my teacher called FUN DAY. On fun day we could attempt to remove any organs we wanted from our pig as long as we asked our teacher first. Here is a picture of Evan and I on fun day after we removed the intestines and unravelled them:

I don’t understand why surgeons have to go to medical school for so long. 3 days of cutting up this pig and I feel confident enough to perform surgery on anyone. Now our day is ALMOST over. ALMOST. Fun day is the last day of slicing. If we walked away from fun day successfully we would have a perfect score. 5 minutes left of class, I witness this...

This is Evan aggressively hacking the head off our pig. With one foot on the chair for stability there is nothing stopping this guy. ‘Evan, what are you doing?’ I ask charmingly. Suddenly our teacher turns around and shouts ‘MUTILATION!’. Evan and I lose our points for that day...bloody Evan...

After all this you know what I learned? Bugger all. Thats what. 

A few more days pass and it’s the last day of Escuela. That means school for all you squares that HAVENT taken 2 semesters of spanish. I thought I would be sadder than I was to be honest. I said good-bye to some people and I knew I wasn’t going to see them again but it didn’t FEEL like I wasn’t going to see them again. It still felt like I was going to see them the next day. I guess it all hadn’t hit me yet. I leave in 3 days and it still hasn’t hit me yet. Maybe it’ll hit me when I land or maybe it’ll hit me after I’ve been in school for 2 weeks. You just never know when lady reality is going to punch you in the face. 

Look at that sandwich, deeee lish.

Yes yes I know, it’s been forever since I posted. But the truth is, around this time of the exchange, things have kinda...settled down...I’m bored I guess. School is school, friends are friends, everything has become quite routine. INCLUDING the crap food that never stops being crap. Which is why I decided to bring my camera into school and take some snaps of all my delicious meals. I’ve been waiting for 8 months for Jamie Oliver to intervene.

Bob clearly stoked about his meal

Gourmet poo stuffed burrito

Lettuce and unidentified slop

My attempt at being healthy

Another attempt at being healthy

The worst thing I have ever ingested 

The best bit is the anxiety you get before you line up for lunch. Will you or wont you have a big long grey hair cooked into the lasagne!? You just never know!!


And now a word from our sponsors:

Thanks for that Lexie. I will be aggressive. B-E aggressive.


Ta ta.

Prom

The classic American prom. The reason it’s classic is because it’s the first thing you think of when you hear the words ‘American Teen’. At first I didn’t really know what to think of it. Was it going to be as crap as it looked on tv? Most likely. But after a brief discussion with myself I decided that this was my year in America and I was going to do every crap cliche thing there was out there! I didn’t really know what to expect. All I knew about prom is what I had seen on tv and from what my host mother had told me. “Our prom pretty much means you’re gonna have sex”. Thanks for the words of wisdom Lisa.

First lets start with shopping. I certainly was not one of the many girls in 11th and 12th grade who had been planning what they were going to look like for prom since they could walk without falling over in their mums heels 10 sizes too big, so basically I left everything to the last minute. Procrastination! Only way to do anything. So about 2 weeks before prom I went a shop shoppin’ for the perfect dress. An easy task I assumed, I’ve always known I was picky but surely I would have a decent amount to choose from. Nup. None for me. Turns out that all prom dresses are hideous. At least 98% of them anyway. You know when you watch those old 80’s movies and the girls have those bright coloured, poofy, and just down right ooogly dresses? Yeah, well not much has changed. It was a NIGHTMARE. Everything was so puffy and fluorescent! Lets not even talk about the hideous rhinestones and beading on all of them. I felt so bad every time my sister or host mum would hold up a dress suggesting I try it on because it was just ‘so cute’. All I could say is, no. Gross. Back on the rack. I was grateful they were trying but each of their suggestions was a swing and a miss. I guess only I would know what I wanted.

Tried on about 15 dresses and each one was more repugnant than the last. I needed a hot chocolate and bed by this point. Adam and were just going to have to go to prom dressed as Deb and Napoleon which was our original plan. Second day I had a bit more success. I went to a different store where the dresses weren’t GREAT but they would do. I didn’t LOVE my dress...lets just say it was the best of the worst. I was going to have to rock it anyway because I had nothing else! Yay. Turns out, pale people do not look good in a LOT of colours and I wasn’t about to go start fake baking like the rest of the girls in my school. Oh yes, cancer boxes are all the rage around here.

Skipping all the boring bits...

Now for prom. Before we actually headed to the dance part of things, everyone attending prom went for a meal first at the local country club. Adam and I had the prime rib. Adams was so red, I swear if you put your ear close enough, you could still hear it mooing. Munchy munchy munch. Done and dusted. Now to hitch a ride with our friends Jack and Tressa because they had this sweet 1960’s convertible. Adam and I decided to be cool guys and ride on the back of the convertible like they do in the movies. Seemed like a good idea at the time but I spent most of the ride holding down my fake hair to it wouldn’t fly off onto the road. So we eventually arrive hoorah!

 The theme for our prom was ‘born to be wild’. No it was not a sweet biker theme, it was an animal theme. So you can imagine how much leopard and zebra print there was. Not to mention the giant 15 foot tiger poster taking up most of the side of the gym. Mmmm. Classy. If only there had been an exotic animal petting zoo...that would have been the icing on the cake. So we danced for a little bit but then they started playing all country songs which Adam and I refused to ‘boogie’ too. Country music is bad for the soul. Adam requested ‘satisfaction’ by Benny Banassi but they wouldn’t play it.

So after prom they have...the after prom. The after prom party is basically a thing the parents organise to keep the kids off the street after prom. Our parents club spent $10 000 on this party! It was our town hall. You walked in and the stage is covered in prizes to win and the floor is games galore. Poker tables, photo booth, and this big inflatable jousting arena. You know, two people stand on two stools and try knock each other off. Yeah. The prizes weren’t ordinary prizes. Not your average bag of lollies. They were giving away 32 inch plasmas, a futon, microwaves, ipod speakers, free massage vouchers, bags, gift cards, ipods EVERYTHING. But the best bit of the night by far was the hypnotist they hired. NOTHING is funnier than watching your friends be hypnotised. Seriously. You should try it sometime.
 After prom was the best part of prom! Twas great! Then after the after prom at 4am all our friends and I headed over to Adam’s host for a french toast breakfast. I ate some fruit, toast and bacon, then passed out on Adam’s floor.

And thats prom! A little bit crap but overall I really did have a good time.

The end.

Fun fact: In Nebraska, it is considered ‘fashion’ to wear your trackies (sweat pants) inside out. First of all, they’re trackies so you’re not doing yourself any fashion favours by wearing them in the first place. Second of all, wearing them inside out just makes you look like a goon. Lexie I love you but please, enough is enough. 

Mall of America and a bogan

Yeah yeah I hear all you worms complaining ’She doesn’t even post regularly’ ‘she is so lazy’ ‘whats even her deal?’, WELL to all you moaning margeries I SAY...you’re probably right but STILL    shut your dairy queen hole.

Well I suppose I should start with my most recent endeavour in the U S of A. Mall of America Minnesota! Now I must admit, I wasn’t sure if this place was going to be worth the 780 hour drive it took to get there but I was pleasantly surprised. Getting there was an absolute nightmare I must say. Girls are the worst. We bitch, we moan, we complain we fight! It’s ridiculous. I was quite content in the beginning heading up to Minnesota. Most of the students left in two cars from our area rep’s house but there were two other girls we had to pick up closer to Iowa. Fine. Whatever. Don’t care. Lets drive. So we’re just driiiiivin along for around 4 to get to Iowa looking for these girls to pick up. We couldn’t find them. Jen (area rep who is in a separate car) calls us and says she’s got the girls. Good. Dandy. NOT. Apparently it is crucial that we split these girls up because they absolutely cannot stand the sight of each other! GAH! So we go from Iowa to Nebraska then Iowa and BACK to Nebraska just TRYING to find Jen because these two girls just can’t suck it up for a few more hours. After two hours of back and fourth we finally found them. The cheerful dynamics of our recently FUN car had been...squashed. I was not a happy camper so I just plugged myself into my music for the next 7 hours until we FINALLY got to our hotel, who by the way, did not actually book our rooms. 15 minutes of arguing later...we’re in the room.

 < Before the car ride got crap

Wakeup bright and early Fridee morn and I am PUMPED and READY. I was ready to shop till I popped. On the way over to ze mall we learned that the mall itself is something like the size of 4 football stadiums....BAH! Let me at it LET ME AT IT!!

And yes I had got word that there was some kind of little roller coaster in there or something...oh yeah. Thats pretty cool eh? I didn’t realise there was gonna be a HUGE FRIGEN NICKELODEON AMUSEMENT PARK PLONKED DEAD CENTRE!

 
Obviously I bought the all day wrist band and went on EVERYTHING 3 times. Awww yeeeeh.

And of course, a girls gotta eat. Supper on friday was eaten at the rainforest cafe. This place is seriously a rainforest. Vines all up the walls, fake snakes hanging from the roof, exotic aquariums everywhere, giant butterflies on the walls, water falls, fruit trees, the whoooole shabang. We’d be eating our food and then suddenly the roof would change from clear blue to dark purple and lightning would flash and thunder would start roooaring! It was one of my more stressful dinners.

< Gift shop area

< Rainforest bar

< Scary talking tree...

< Chelsea’s dessert fit for the most obese person in   the entire universe of ever. 

I think what made the trip so fun was having my aussie buddy by my side the whole time. I always found it annoying when you’d be stuck in a car with two norwegians for example, and they would only EVER speak norwegian leaving EVERYONE out. Used to drive me nuts. But in a way...Chels and I sorta did the same thing. We spent the whole weekend quoting Kath and Kim ‘My marriage has gone UP the preverbial!’ ‘Who ate my last fat free fruche?!’ ‘We’re finished Bret, over, burrito’. Or pretending to be Mr G ‘Thank god you’re here! Grandmas been raped.’ ‘ So all it would take is um..just a bit of poo on the floor?’ ‘ E E E E ECSTACY!’ or even Daniel and Nathan from Dunt ‘I live on a farm, I drive a tractor, me and craig have got the X factor’. Classic characters!!! It really was like we were speaking our own language. Everyone thought we were nuts when we’d look in shop windows and say ‘Aw yes it’s noice, it’s noice, yeah it’s unusual, yeah it’s noice, unusual.’ I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much. Love you Chelsea! Ahh...what a bogan.

More shopping, then sleeping, then waking up, shopping, walking, eating, drinking, jumping dancing, laughing, singing, swimming, screaming, sleeping, driving, driving, sleeping driving, home. 

Obviously I could go into greater detail and tell you more stories but I don’t want to. 

Prom next week gang! Just you wait, you’ve never SEEN so much mutton dressed as lamb! Gonna go off!

Ciao lovers. We will chat again soon. Maybe.

My week in Paradise

So when you hear paradise you automatically think Warrnambool, right? Baahha. NO. You think HAWAII! There is a reason for this. Jacquipedia states that Hawaii is freakin sweet. True fact. So why did you go? Who were you with? What did you do? I hear you all asking. This trip to Hawaii was offered to all the exchange students in the states this year. 99 students attended this particular one. So where do I even begin...I guess I’ll just break it down into days for you :D

Day 1: I arrived at 4pm at Honolulu airport when I met a friendly face on the way to baggage claim. It was Amanda! She was my friend on my New York trip and I had no idea she was going to be in Hawaii but it turns out she was! We grabbed out bags and headed to another baggage claim where we would be meeting up with one of our camp leaders Geoff. We had our little meet and greet with him then we were off and away in a van heading for our hotel. After getting situated in my room, some of the girls and I decided to hit the town!!! We had no clue where we were going, how to pronounce each others names (flippen Norwegians), or how to get back. A recipe for success. It was a good thing I was with other girls because my navigational skills are as good as a tumbleweeds. I would have been sleeping in a coconut if it wasn’t for them. Got back to the hotel at 9, went to my hotel room, accidentally slept through the group meeting, and that was day one.

Day 2: Sight seeing sight seeing sight seeing! We visited all the north shore beaches in Oahu as well as visiting sites such as The Dole Plantation, and I must say, NO ONE does pineapple like Hawaii. I think I died and went to heaven. We also visited some awesome macadamia nut farm. Those were some good macadamia nuts. 

Day 3: Day 3, probably the most physically demanding day we had. Well for me anyway because I’m a blob. Day 3 we climbed DIAMOND HEAD MOUNTAIN. It’s an old volcano that has a b-e-a-utiful view from the top. Stunning. Then during the night times we had a pizza party at the park.

Day 4: Saturday! Up bright and early and ready to go to the U.S.S Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbour. One of our more fascinating days. Good thing I love history! We visited the museums and actually saw pieces of the U.S.S Arizona that was still there! Cool nahnas. After that we attempted to catch a bus to the Ala Moana Mall. I say attempted because no bus would open their doors for 99 exchange students and their 5 group leaders. So we walked a fair way and finally got to the mall where we had a bit of shopping time before dinner at Bubba Gumps seafood. For those of you that don’t know, Bubba Gumps is a Forrest Gump themed restaurant. I really need to see that movie.

Day 5: Luau day!!! My favourite day!!! We had most of the day for free time then in the late afternoon we took a bus to Germaine’s Luau. I’d give you all the details of the bus ride but I really can’t be bothered. Luau is Hawaiian for PARTY! Wooo! And a party it was. We enjoyed a night of traditional Polynesian/Hawaiian songs and dances as well as a buffet dinner. Ever seen a man hula? Probably the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It was practically a strip tease but their clothes were already off. Hnnnnnn....If I could take anything home...ogh. Never mind that... I’ll put a video up.

(Breathe Jacqui...breathe! Gah!)

Day 6: Snorkelling in Hanauma Bay with all the lovely fishes of many colours. Boooootiful! Then we did some other stuff but I forgot. Woops.

Day 7: Boat ride on a catamaran! Caught a glimpse of a whale but thats about it. A little underwhelming.  Free time for the rest of the day until dinner at the Hard Rock cafe. Wooo! Fun time! After dinner we were supposed to have a farewell party at some club we had apparently rented out but the manager that booked us into the place had got fired earlier that day. AND he had told his boss we were all over 21. No party for us. Plus it was the first day of marde gras. Bugger. We had free time until midnight which was a nice change from 10pm.

Day 8: Dead boring day. We got kicked out of our rooms at 10:30 which meant no beach for us because we had no access to a shower. So for those of us leaving later that had no money, we were pretty much stuck in the hotel lobby all day. SO BORING. My god. A few planes and cinnamon rolls later, I was home. Well Nebraska home :D

Free time was spent shopping in Waikiki. I was amazed at how much freedom we had! It was great. As long at we were back by 10, no problem! It was great.

I met some interesting locals, 7 million norwegians and had one of the most amazing times of my life! I wish I could write it all down but I CANNOT! TOO MUCH! I hope this doesn’t sound like an academy award speech but I wanna thank my mum and dad for constantly wiring money to me and putting my mind at ease about every little fear I had. I also wanna thank Lisa! Lovely host mummy for helping me prepare everything for my trip and making my bed so I had fresh sheets to come home to! Well thats all folks. Next time I post it shall be more entertaining and less...boring. I just had so much to say I had no time to make it HilARious.

TA TA!

Who you callin 15? Not me. Thats for sure.

I’m back everyone! And armed with a few more stories than I had before. So today was my BIRTHDAY. My American birthday! I’M 16! I’M ALL BIG AND WHATNOT. Boy did I have a good day. Not really much to tell. I ate junk food all through out the day then nearly threw up in basketball practice. Got lovely prezzies from my Lexie and Lisa and had a gay ol’ time. I’m going to celebrate properly on Saturday with my kick arse JUST DANCE 3 PARTY. Gonna be off the hook. VIP only though so most of you lamos probably wont be on the list...hehehe. I tell jokes. I also received many birthday emails and messages which made me leak tear juices all over everything within 10 metres of me. How embarrassing. I just had to let it out! I had to cry until my eyeballs lacked so much moisture they went crusty and shattered inside my skull.

In other news, THE SNOW CAME BACK. And this time I was so going sledding. No way I’m missing out on that action. A bunch of friends and I headed up to my friend Cody’s house in the country and got PUMPED. Of course I didn’t really know what I was in for...I had no clue of what kind of thing to wear or how exactly to go about hurling myself down a hill so I was more than a tad underdressed and a wittle bit clumsy. I rocked up in my Tony Bianco boots, skinny jeans and a little hoodie on thinking I’m going to be the most stylish sledder around. Oh how I was wrong. I nearly fell and broke my spine 11 times just trying to walk over to the hill in the boots I was wearing and as it turns out...snow is cold. Good thing Lisa made me pack a big coat and snow boots! I was planning on leaving them in the car because I’m too cool for comfort, but that plan didn’t last long. So my original plan was the be the most stylish sledder but the tables turned and I ended up being king dork. Now my cute ensemble was a big yellow coat, thin little jeans and snow boots 3 sizes too big. So big in fact, snow was cascading into them with every step. Lovely. Despite my dorky outfit, I tackled that sledding hill like a pro! Sure my legs were number than a numb thing, but that didn’t stop me from going again and again and AGAIN.

After we became too cold to function we headed inside for a nice hot cuppa hot cocoa. Delish. Perfect way to end the day. Here is a picture of Adam being suave and sophisticated whilst drinking his hot cider

Soon I wont have any snow to play with though. It doesn’t snow in Honolulu. WHAT? DID SOMEONE SAY HONOLULU? AS IN, HONOLULU, HAWAII????? Thats right! You read it!!! In just one week I will be just setting across the ocean to beautiful Hawaii and none of you are invite haa hee hee haa haa! Jealousy is an ugly colour. You all look hideous.

Thats is for now. Because I’m super lazy the next post you get will probably be from HAWAII. I’m going to be the palest person in aaaaaaall the land. Goody.

Good day humans.

Winter Ball

I’m such a lazy bugger. Sorry I haven’t posted in about 11 years. You’ve probably all grown long white beards like wise chinamen. Not going to be a big post today as nothing new has really been going on. I’ve been working my arse off at basketball everyday after school for 2 hours. Thats always fun. But what is even more fun is when you find out you have MORNING practice and you have to get up at 5 in the morning so you can be at practice at 6 before school. Thats always a treat.

So on Saturday the 7th our school held a Winter Ball to raise money for the after Prom party. I forced myself to attend. Usually that kinda thing I find a bit lame but I told myself It’s just one of those americanny things I gotta do! Thats why I’m here! So I bought myself a dress and got PUUUUMPED. The night began when Adam picked me up at my house and took a few photos with me for my mumma bear. When I got in his car I noticed a little white box on the passenger seat. Before I had the chance to move it Adam said ‘thats for you’. I sat down and opened it and what should be inside? A cute, little pink corsage! SO AMERICAN. At first I didn’t even know what to do with it. I thought it was going to be a plastic flower like the props we used when my school did footloose but NO. It was the real deal! I immediately became very excited. Adam and I rolled on in to the Activities Building fashionably late and when I say fashionably I mean it. We looked fine. The AB looked so...prom-ee. Lanterns hanging down, streamers, fairy lights, a little winter back drop in the corner for photos...it had EVERYTHING. The best bit by far was watching my friend Patches as DJ. You’d think someone as awkward as ol Patches would be the worst DJ in all the land but he really did a great job. We obviously got down and jiggy with it to classics such as: The Macarena, Love Shack, Cuban Shuffle and many other great hits!

I tell you what though guys, nothing made me feel more American than doing what Adam likes to call ‘The American Waddle’. We’ve all seen the movies where everyone is jumping up and down at the dance, bustin out some sweet moves then suddenly the music sloooooows down and everyone finds a partner, puts their arms around them and start swaying from side to side. You bette believe I did that!! 3 TIMES! I felt REE DIC OO LUS! But it was still a gay ol time. I actually enjoyed the whole event a lot more than I thought I would.

I’m going to try and get one of the student managers to film one of our next basketball practices so you Australians reading this can understand how lazy you are. For those that don’t know, student mangers are little middle-schoolers whose job is to fill up our water bottles and brings us towels, and inhalers and stuff. They’re the basketball teams bitches. Gotta love em. Anyway I have oodles of study to do now so I’ll have to go. I’ll try and post again soon. Sorry again about the long wait.

Ciao ciao for now my fury friends!